just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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