you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
