Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
