I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
