You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
