Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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