Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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