oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
