apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
