I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
