Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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