Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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