He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
