I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
