Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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