i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
