Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need to align my fucking chakras
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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