went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
