That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
