We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
