My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
