This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
