ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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