How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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