did you get engaged???
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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