If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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