How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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