I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
