my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
only if we run a train.
done.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
