I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
