made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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