I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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