My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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