Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
