Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
