drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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