i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
