i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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