Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
