My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
