I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
