remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
