I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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