I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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