never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
