i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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