The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
