Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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