is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
