Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
