Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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