Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
