i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So vagazzling was a success
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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