Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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