the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
