ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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