The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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