I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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