you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
