i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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